Jaline, Spencer, Marie Line & Poppi
She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not, She Loves Me!
After you’ve left you’re beautiful daughter so many times, with your heart broken and tears streaming down your face, it’s not surprising that she resorts to distancing herself from you and her emotions. Little Jaline is my precious bebe that the Lord led me to in that orphanage in Barbancourt, Haiti, in August 2010. He led me to a three and a half year old starving child that was so emaciated and weak that I truthfully wondered if she would be alive the next time I returned to Haiti. I begged those I knew in Haiti to look out for her and prayed fervently that the Lord would protect her from starvation, disease, cholera and anything else that could end her precious life. Little did I know, at that time, that her amazing sister was in the very same orphanage, less emaciated but still vulnerable to a host of problems that could sweep her away.
I was fortunate enough to return a number of times after my first meeting with Jaline, and she clung to me, ate from my hand, and would often fall asleep under my watchful eye. However, things started to change. I started to feel her pull away physically and emotionally and wondered why she seemed to be drifting away. Did she love me? Did she resent me? After trying to recover from being spurned by Jaline while her friends at her new crèche couldn’t wait for a hug, to play, or laugh together, I started to process what my little girl was processing. I have tried to explain before how difficult it is to explain to a 3, 4, or even 5 year old child, in English or Creole, that you’re going to bring her home to her new family that loves her, as soon as the government lets you. I can’t even understand that.
I drove away from the girls crèche/orphanage again today with tears streaming down my face, wrestling with the stupidity of the fact that we can’t bring our girls home yet. I can’t imagine what’s going through the mind of my precious Jaline, who celebrated her fifth birthday just over a week ago, as she watches her Poppi walk out the door again and drive away. I wish I could make sense of that for her, but I just can’t. Now her big sister Marie Line, who turned 7 about two weeks ago, has to experience her father walking out and driving away. Every time I go, I whisper “Mwen Pral Vini Pita”, “I will come back”, and every time I do I pray for the day when we’ll walk with them onto the plane and finally bring our precious girls home.
Well I’ve figured my precious Jaline out… She has been protecting herself by distancing herself and gets quiet and reserved to protect her little heart. I watch her play with her fingers and twist the fabric of her dress when she is sad. When she knows her Poppi is going to have to leave, her eyes go down and her fingers start twisting. I had to watch that again this visit. However, she showed her heart this visit in so many amazing ways. I was blessed to be able to take our thirteen year old son Spencer with me to meet his sisters. He was simply amazing. His tender heart embraced his beautiful sisters and played as if they had been together their entire lives. He may not speak much Creole but he didn’t need to… his language was love. He brought such joy to their little hearts. Smiles and giggles were everywhere. I am confident they have never laughed and smiled that much in their entire lives. The healing of their hearts, especially Jaline’s, is evident as they are so quick to smile, laugh, and seek one embrace after another. We were able to spend from Thursday night through Monday afternoon with the girls and it was amazing. One day, we took the girls to the beach and a pool for their first time. The most telling moment was when the girls stood at the side of the pool and leaped, trusting that we would catch them, giggling into our arms and splashing into the water. Amidst my joy, I had to stop and dwell on the word TRUST. They trust, those precious hearts trust… As an adoptive parent, I know there will be many challenges, but it was unbelievable to see the growth in these girls as their hearts have learned to Love and Trust again. Each time I leave, I struggle mightily, but TRUST our Lord is protecting and healing our daughters.
When we had to bring the girls back on Monday, Jaline walked up to the nannies and immediately told them she wasn’t staying there - she’s got some spunk to her… She got very quiet, wouldn’t look at anyone, those sad eyes came back, as she twisted the ruffles on her dress. She is still quite reserved with me at times and I see her protecting herself. Marie Line seemed to be doing well until she came out crying. She’s more open with her emotions and has a smile that she shows over and over again that melts you. She smiles and looks at you with those eyes that say “I know you love me”. It’s so amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. We left on Monday thinking it was the last time we would be able to see them this week, since we were working on building a rock retaining wall at the new crèche they are building for the kids, but we were able to make it back to spend the day with the girls today, before we left on our late afternoon flight out of Haiti. I struggled over whether we should go back today, since I knew we would have to say good bye again.
When we walked in the crèche and the girls saw us, they both had the biggest smiles on their faces and they quickly came out to hug us. I was overwhelmed to see that reaction out of Jaline especially. We had a wonderful day playing with the girls and the rest of the kids in the crèche. It’s always a balancing act since you never want to stop playing with the girls, but you know the other kids want and need to be loved. All of the other kids in the crèche, except one, have adoptive parents waiting for them, but it’s often so long in between visits with their adoptive parents that you want to hold and love each one of them. At nap time, we knew we had to say goodbye for good this trip. It was quite painful again, especially when the tears are rolling down Marie Line’s cheeks, and you see your son broken, knowing he has to leave his sisters, not knowing when they’ll finally come home. After we walked out, I peeked back in through a window a number of times, and I watched both of the girls staring at the pictures we had left for them at their beds. They each have pictures of Poppi, Mommy, Shelby, Spencer, and Sophie taped around their beds. They want to come home and you can see the genuine pain they struggle with knowing that they can’t spend more than just a weekend with their new family. They know they are loved and they are learning to love back. They are learning to trust.
We continue to trust. I filed our I600 form at the US Embassy in Port au Prince on Monday. That is a key form which is part of the ridiculous process of the US government giving us permission to adopt and to prepare the paperwork for the girls to become citizens and gain their passports. The girls’ paperwork is currently moving through IBESR, which is the Haitian government agency which handles adoptions. They need to process our paperwork and give their approval. Once we have IBESR approval, we need a special Presidential dispensation/approval, from the office of the Haitian president, since we already have more than two children. Finally, the last step will be approval from US Citizenship and Immigration Services (CIS) approval. How long? We don’t know. We hope everything could be wrapped up in 6 more months, but there is no telling. In the meantime, SHE LOVES ME…
We pray that the process will move swiftly. We pray that the girls will continue to grow, learn, and heal from the pain of their past. It has been amazing to see the transformation in each of the girls. We love them and we had an incredible glimpse into Jaline and Marie Line’s capacity to love this past week. Thanks for walking this journey with us. Your support and prayers help us push through those difficult days, weeks, and months when it seems like it’s taking forever and we can’t see any progress. Please look at Samantha’s blog post from earlier this week to see some wonderful pictures of the girls.
She loves me...I know I no longer have to pull the petals of the daisy.
