It's Wednesday at 4:45 am.  I sit here in the Detroit airport, waiting to head off to Haiti for yet another trip. I decided Saturday afternoon that is was imperative that I take a trip this week. I will be in Haiti from today until next Tuesday night. Why?  Because our adoption has stalled yet again. Once again, our lawyer is failing to handle his responsibilities and move this process forward. It has been two years since we started this process and there is still no end in sight. We have seen staggered progress and then the inevitable delays. We are with our 2nd lawyer, because our first lawyer, who had been a great lawyer previously, stopped responding and working on moving our case forward. Our current lawyer owns the firm our first lawyer used to work for. We were about to switch attorneys this summer, yet our 2nd lawyer insisted that he wanted to finish the case and wouldn't give up our dossier. He made a little more progress but has stopped answering calls, stopped showing up for meetings, and hasn't submitted paperwork and schedule an appointment for me in Haitian court, that was supposed to be done a month ago. 

So, here I sit waiting for another flight. I am fortunate that I have six weeks in my contract that I can take for the adoption. Unfortunately, I have to miss a week of school to handle something that doesn't make any sense. Yet, we will continue to fight for our girls. The girls are two years older than the first time I met them. I am excited to see them and spend time with them, yet I already fear the bitter good bye that will inevitably come on Tuesday. The same painful good bye that has happened so many times before...The same good bye that doesn't make any sense to me and is so confusing to the girls...  

What's the best case scenario for this trip?
  
*I submit some necessary documents to the US embassy on Thursday morning. 

*I will fire our Haitian lawyer on Thursday afternoon at our 2:00 appointment. 

*Our lawyer will turn over our adoption paperwork to me, without it costing us a fortune. Yes,    he holds the cards and I will be operating in the world of Haiti. 

*I will meet with the new attorney we are planning to hire,  who is very highly recommended by a major Haitian adoption organization. 

*Our new lawyer will be able to set up an appointment at Parquet, which is the Haitian court that is the next step in the adoption process. It would be incredible if this could happen on this trip. 

*Finally, Shelby and I will spend some amazing time with Jaline and Marie Line. Yes, Shelby is joining me on this trip and she's excited to get to know her sisters. Her heart breaks for her sisters and she has deeply struggled to understand why this process is taking so long. Well, we have all deeply struggled to understand that...  

I've given you the best case scenario. I want you all to know what you can specifically pray for.  We are in a battle and nothing is certain on this trip. I'm headed down knowing I have to do whatever I can to speed this process up and bring our girls home. However, I know our lawyer has failed to show up for numerous meetings and he has refused to give up our case already. I will attend the meeting with a Haitian pastor that will speak on our behalf. I will sit and pray as they talk and inevitably argue in French. Unfortunately, I don't understand French. 

I know our updates have been infrequent, but there's often nothing to say. When nothing seems to move and all that wells up in you is frustration, sometimes it's better to say nothing. We still have to get past Parquet (a level of Haitian court that has a number of steps). Then we head to the Ministry of Interior, which has a number of steps also. Then it's on to the Haitian passport agency and lastly the US government has to issue passports and final approval. Yes, we still face a number of months and the reality that the 3rd Christmas will pass since we started this painful process.  

Yes, our girls are doing wonderfully. They are filled with joy and are in excellent health.  They go to Haitian school every morning and they look ridiculously cute in their new uniforms. I reflect upon the time I was carrying my emaciated three and a half year old daughter, Jaline, and she whispered in creole that she wanted to go to school.  She saw the older kids in their uniforms in class and wanted to join them. Well, now she's got her own uniform, her backpack, and her own books and she walks to school each day with her big sister.   They also have English class in the afternoon. 

It's amazing to see the transformation, yet it's also painful to see them grow and reflect on everything we've missed in their lives. I think of a friend of a family who sees a child for the first time in six months and comments on how much they've grown and changed.  When our own kids grow, we often don't notice how much they've changed.  Well, I am about to see how much our girls have grown and changed in the past six months. I'm a bit nervous and excited at the same time. 

Please lift up our trip in prayer. There's so much that needs to happen and so many obstacles that need to be overcome.  Thanks for coming alongside us in this journey. 

Todd

Below is a picture of the kids in their "u-nies".  Jaline is in the first row, second girl from the left in orange.  Marieline is in the first row, the second girl from the right in orange.  Jaline's smile says, "I've been waiting a long time for this!"  Priceless!

Chances for Children Students dressed and ready for school!

She loves me, she loves me not...

Jaline, Spencer, Marie Line & Poppi

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not, She Loves Me!

After you’ve left you’re beautiful daughter so many times, with your heart broken and tears streaming down your face, it’s not surprising that she resorts to distancing herself from you and her emotions.  Little Jaline is my precious bebe that the Lord led me to in that orphanage in Barbancourt, Haiti, in August 2010.  He led me to a three and a half year old starving child that was so emaciated and weak that I truthfully wondered if she would be alive the next time I returned to Haiti.  I begged those I knew in Haiti to look out for her and prayed fervently that the Lord would protect her from starvation, disease, cholera and anything else that could end her precious life.  Little did I know, at that time, that her amazing sister was in the very same orphanage, less emaciated but still vulnerable to a host of problems that could sweep her away. 

I was fortunate enough to return a number of times after my first meeting with Jaline, and she clung to me, ate from my hand, and would often fall asleep under my watchful eye. However, things started to change.  I started to feel her pull away physically and emotionally and wondered why she seemed to be drifting away.  Did she love me?  Did she resent me?  After trying to recover from being spurned by Jaline while her friends at her new crèche couldn’t wait for a hug, to play, or laugh together, I started to process what my little girl was processing.  I have tried to explain before how difficult it is to explain to a 3, 4, or even 5 year old child, in English or Creole, that you’re going to bring her home to her new family that loves her, as soon as the government lets you.  I can’t even understand that.

I drove away from the girls crèche/orphanage again today with tears streaming down my face, wrestling with the stupidity of the fact that we can’t bring our girls home yet.  I can’t imagine what’s going through the mind of my precious Jaline, who celebrated her fifth birthday just over a week ago, as she watches her Poppi walk out the door again and drive away.  I wish I could make sense of that for her, but I just can’t.  Now her big sister Marie Line, who turned 7 about two weeks ago, has to experience her father walking out and driving away.  Every time I go, I whisper “Mwen Pral Vini Pita”, “I will come back”, and every time I do I pray for the day when we’ll walk with them onto the plane and finally bring our precious girls home. 

Well I’ve figured my precious Jaline out… She has been protecting herself by distancing herself and gets quiet and reserved to protect her little heart.  I watch her play with her fingers and twist the fabric of her dress when she is sad.  When she knows her Poppi is going to have to leave, her eyes go down and her fingers start twisting.  I had to watch that again this visit.  However, she showed her heart this visit in so many amazing ways.  I was blessed to be able to take our thirteen year old son Spencer with me to meet his sisters.  He was simply amazing.  His tender heart embraced his beautiful sisters and played as if they had been together their entire lives.  He may not speak much Creole but he didn’t need to… his language was love.  He brought such joy to their little hearts. Smiles and giggles were everywhere.  I am confident they have never laughed and smiled that much in their entire lives.  The healing of their hearts, especially Jaline’s, is evident as they are so quick to smile, laugh, and seek one embrace after another.  We were able to spend from Thursday night through Monday afternoon with the girls and it was amazing.  One day, we took the girls to the beach and a pool for their first time. The most telling moment was when the girls stood at the side of the pool and leaped, trusting that we would catch them, giggling into our arms and splashing into the water.  Amidst my joy, I had to stop and dwell on the word TRUST.  They trust, those precious hearts trust… As an adoptive parent, I know there will be many challenges, but it was unbelievable to see the growth in these girls as their hearts have learned to Love and Trust again.  Each time I leave, I struggle mightily, but TRUST our Lord is protecting and healing our daughters.

When we had to bring the girls back on Monday, Jaline walked up to the nannies and immediately told them she wasn’t staying there - she’s got some spunk to her…  She got very quiet, wouldn’t look at anyone, those sad eyes came back, as she twisted the ruffles on her dress.  She is still quite reserved with me at times and I see her protecting herself.  Marie Line seemed to be doing well until she came out crying.  She’s more open with her emotions and has a smile that she shows over and over again that melts you.  She smiles and looks at you with those eyes that say “I know you love me”. It’s so amazing and heartbreaking at the same time.  We left on Monday thinking it was the last time we would be able to see them this week, since we were working on building a rock retaining wall at the new crèche they are building for the kids, but we were able to make it back to spend the day with the girls today, before we left on our late afternoon flight out of Haiti.  I struggled over whether we should go back today, since I knew we would have to say good bye again.

When we walked in the crèche and the girls saw us, they both had the biggest smiles on their faces and they quickly came out to hug us.  I was overwhelmed to see that reaction out of Jaline especially.  We had a wonderful day playing with the girls and the rest of the kids in the crèche.  It’s always a balancing act since you never want to stop playing with the girls, but you know the other kids want and need to be loved.  All of the other kids in the crèche, except one, have adoptive parents waiting for them, but it’s often so long in between visits with their adoptive parents that you want to hold and love each one of them.  At nap time, we knew we had to say goodbye for good this trip.  It was quite painful again, especially when the tears are rolling down Marie Line’s cheeks, and you see your son broken, knowing he has to leave his sisters, not knowing when they’ll finally come home.  After we walked out, I peeked back in through a window a number of times, and I watched both of the girls staring at the pictures we had left for them at their beds.  They each have pictures of Poppi, Mommy, Shelby, Spencer, and Sophie taped around their beds.   They want to come home and you can see the genuine pain they struggle with knowing that they can’t spend more than just a weekend with their new family.  They know they are loved and they are learning to love back.  They are learning to trust.

We continue to trust.   I filed our I600 form at the US Embassy in Port au Prince on Monday.  That is a key form which is part of the ridiculous process of the US government giving us permission to adopt and to prepare the paperwork for the girls to become citizens and gain their passports.  The girls’ paperwork is currently moving through IBESR, which is the Haitian government agency which handles adoptions.  They need to process our paperwork and give their approval.  Once we have IBESR approval, we need a special Presidential dispensation/approval, from the office of the Haitian president, since we already have more than two children.  Finally, the last step will be approval from US Citizenship and Immigration Services (CIS) approval.  How long?  We don’t know.  We hope everything could be wrapped up in 6 more months, but there is no telling.  In the meantime, SHE LOVES ME… 

We pray that the process will move swiftly.  We pray that the girls will continue to grow, learn, and heal from the pain of their past.  It has been amazing to see the transformation in each of the girls.   We love them and we had an incredible glimpse into Jaline and Marie Line’s capacity to love this past week.  Thanks for walking this journey with us.  Your support and prayers help us push through those difficult days, weeks, and months when it seems like it’s taking forever and we can’t see any progress.  Please look at Samantha’s blog post from earlier this week to see some wonderful pictures of the girls. 

She loves me...I know I no longer have to pull the petals of the daisy.

Smiles, smiles, smiles!

For those of you who know my three eldest children you know that they certainly are not shy about expressing their emotions or exerting an opinion.  Occasionally when they were younger, they would host a quiet friend for a play date who seemed to express neither an opinion or an emotion.  When asked about what to do, what to eat or what to play, their response would be, "I don't know."  I was always curious as to how they were able to live in a world without really having the desire to make a choice or form an opinion.  Reading an emotion in these kids was often difficult.   I didn't really know if they were having a good time or if they wished they were home.  Turns out, they were having a good time, they just don't express their emotions like we do.

Today I wish I was that child.  I wish that the overly emotional side of me could just hibernate for a bit until it's time.

Todd sent me the picture below.  For those of you on facebook you may have seen other pictures that we have posted over the last few days.  Todd and Spencer are in Haiti this week doing some work at the new creche (the old creche is moving out of Port-au-Prince to the country).  While there, they have been able to spend four days with the girls.  From the pictures you can see that every face has the most genuine smile.  Spencer is just eating those girls up!  He can't seem to get enough of them.  And the girls, especially Jaline, have taken to him so well!  

day at the beach/pool

While this indeed is happy news, it also makes me incredible sad because a goodbye is in store.  Spencer and Todd will have to leave and the girls will go back to the creche.  And we continue to wait.  I don't know what the girls know or are capable of understanding.  This is the hard part.  The little tastes of them that is only a brief visit.

However, even in this waiting and longing for them to come home, there is good that is happening!  As you can see from the pictures the girls are doing quite well.  They are eating and sleeping well.  We are thrilled that Marie Line will soon be starting school in the local village!  How healthy they look compared to earlier pictures.  Their hight and weight is just slightly below where it should be here on the American growth chart.  I have noticed that since Marie Line joined Jaline, Jaline's disposition has improved.  She is happy all the time!  The girls absolutely love to play with each other and seem to be inseparable.  From the pictures, it seems they will have no problem playing with their other siblings!

Todd was hoping to take care of some legal stuff for the adoption while they are there visiting.  If we have anything to report as far as a timeline, we will update you again through the blog.

In the meantime, pray for the hearts of my family.  We are all raw with emotion.  The pictures of them just makes the heart ache deeper.

~Samantha

very happy smiles!

sweet happy girls in the clothes and shoes we sent to them

"second trimester"

First of Todd and I want to thank your for supporting us in our adoption endeavor.  Many of you have sent encouraging notes and emails at times when we have really needed support.  Financially, we are overwhelmed with the generosity of our friends and family.  Over $15,000 was deposited to our Lifesong account in 2011!  That doesn't include the cash donations people gave us directly. There are many roles in the adoption process and we are grateful for your partnership with us.

The waiting...

I have to say that in this period of wait it has reminded me so many times of my three pregnancies.  When I found out I was pregnant I was thrilled to share the news.  The excitement.  The anticipation.  The hope.  Family and friends jumped on board and extended their sentiments of joy to us.  And for those of you who were around when sweet little Sophie was causing havoc my first trimester, you took care of my family by bringing us food and watching my kids.  You showered us with love and made it clear that we were not alone.  When we stepped on to this wacky train called adoption, you all were crazy enough to hop on too.  The excitement swelled and we were all ready (or so we thought) for them to be here.  Ah but the waiting...

Once I was into the second trimester of my pregnancy with Sophie, things returned to normal.  I was eating again, :o) kids were back to routine again and the waiting began.  Sometimes that mid trimester seems uneventful.  While the "bump" continues to get larger, we don't actually see the internal growth.  We don't see the tiny miracles that our transforming out baby.  We don't see that our baby's lungs are forming and that her body is creating it's own immune system.  We don't see it yet we are trusting God that He is forming that baby perfectly!   That doesn't mean we don't worry.  That doesn't mean we don't wonder.  However, we are blindly enamored with their growth.

And so it is with this adoption process.  I am in a "gestation" period.  I am waiting.  I am wondering.  I am impatient.  Though this wait is more like the gestation of an elephant, nonetheless I am blindly enamored with their growth.  The girls are learning to trust right now.  Can I tell you how huge that is!  They lived for so long with their needs not being met and now they are learning that when they have a need, someone will meet it.  When they are hurt someone will hug them and make it better.  When they are dirty someone will bathe them.  When they are tired there is a warm bed to crawl in to.  They are learning what it means to bond with someone.  This inherent human need has been stripped away from an orphan and they need to relearn trust.  My favorite movie right now is Dispicable Me because it is in essence, the story of adoption.  At the end Gru (the adpoptive father) tells one of the adopted girls to jump to him from a plane and she won't.  She says, "How can I trust you, you left us!"  And he says, "I promise to never leave you Margo."  That is the heart of an orphan.  Trust.  And the thought of being in that dark and lonely place haunts them for many years.  

This past weekend I was at an adoption conference with a friend.  It was amazing and a huge resource for me as an "expectant" mom.  How comforting for me to be in a large room filled with people in the same boat as us!  I know some people think we are crazy adding two more to our family, but let me say, crazy was the norm in that room and oh was that encouraging!  Over the weekend, in a time of reflection, I journaled a very honest prayer, "God I feel like you have forgotten us."  And by no coincidence at all, I was led to this place in the bible where the prophet Isaiah cries out, "The Lord has forgotten me."  To which God replies, "I will not forget you!  See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.  Those who hope in me will not be disappointed."  (Is. 49:15-16).  Indeed He has not forgotten us.  I find tremendous comfort in that.  He didn't give me an answer.  He didn't give me an end date.  He did promise to walk with me step by step.  

God is growing our girls.   We can't see it, but they are growing and learning.  While waiting and anticipating the birth of a child, we don't decide to give birth at 6 months.  We have to wait for their arrival until they are fully developed and ready to enter our home.  Though it is heart breaking to wait, only God knows the "arrival" date of the girls.  We in the meantime must trust.  

We are still waiting for our dossier to be submitted to the IBESR.  We received word today that it should be submitted this Friday.  In the meantime, we covet your prayers for us here and the girls there.  We know God is at work even when we can't see it tangibly.