Todd’s Journal entry to Jaline 4-10-11
I wrote this the day we returned from our trip last week, if you haven't read Samantha's blog post below, read it first and this will all make more sense.
My precious Jaline-The truth is: there’s no way I’m leaving your sister in Haiti. I don’t know how I would answer you when you got older, knowing that your big sister was left to grow up in a crummy orphanage in Haiti, knowing the desperation she would face daily. Not knowing what would happen to her. Not knowing if she was getting enough to eat, not knowing what her future would hold, not knowing if she would be cared for when she was sick, not knowing if anyone would ever truly love her. Knowing in the back of my mind that I had left her behind, maybe hoping others wouldn’t know that you had a sister stuck in the crummy orphanage we rescued you from. I must admit, my heart wasn’t pulled as much by your sister, because she looked like the healthy one. She was the one that smiled. She looked like she could make it, until I saw her on Friday. She’s getting worse. She no longer smiles. She has lost weight and has lost the life that I once saw in her. I tried to look away. I tried to forget the picture I took back in October of her looking up at me,
with her hands on her face, with eyes that looked up at me saying “who are you and don’t forget about me.” I never forgot that picture, but I just battled with the question of how could we ever add two to our family. How could we afford it? Where will everybody sleep? How will I pay for everyone to go to college?
This week, I stood in church at Mission of Hope and watched and listened to the Haitians sing “Our God is bigger, Our God is greater” and I had to ask myself if their God was bigger than my God? My God has gotten so much bigger in the past year or so, since I jumped out of the boat and started walking to Christ in faith. However, I must admit, I have the tendency to look down and forget to keep my eyes fixed firmly on Christ. I was reminded that I need to trust that my God can still move mountains. Our God can bring you home, my precious Jaline, my God can bring your sister Marie Line home to our family. Our God can provide the money and resources to provide all we need for our family, our God will find us enough room, our God will show his mighty power to all who follow your story.
I often wonder why it has been taking so long to bring you home, but maybe it’s so we wouldn’t forget about your sister. Mommy was able to come on this trip at the last minute, last week. I knew there was a reason he allowed that to happen. I’ll be honest, I’ve been struggling for a long time with the reality that I thought we were leaving your sister behind. However, I needed to know that Mommy’s heart was there also. I needed to know that she was fully behind us adopting both of you. I heard her and Shelby say this week that they wouldn’t stop at one. Mommy’s “Truth is” post it said “I wouldn’t stop at one.” Shelby’s said “One is never enough.” Her post it yesterday said “Truth is…Just because you’re not home yet, doesn’t mean I don’t think about you every second of my day”
Truth is… "I love both of you and we’re going to find a way to bring you home.” Truth is…I don’t have any idea how it’s going to work out. Truth is…I don’t have any idea when you will come home. Truth is…My heart breaks knowing we can’t bring you home yet. Truth is…I’m trusting our God to open the doors, provide the resources, and watch over each of you. Truth is…I’ve been crying the entire time I’ve been typing this. Truth is...I was so excited to know that Mom wouldn’t stop at one. Truth is…I’ve been praying that the Lord would clearly reveal to us if we should adopt your sister. Truth is…I was praying that things would work out this week for us to see your old orphanage, so I could know what Mommy’s reaction would be. Truth is…I needed to visit to know myself. Truth is…I Love you both. Truth is…It’s ok for me now to get attached to your sister.
Samantha and Todd, I honestly don't even know what to say. As I sit here and read this, I have tears streaming down my face and I am in awe by you both. Your faith in God is great and as I watch your journey, I feel my faith growing stronger, as well. You are both an inspiration to me and I know that God will bring both of your girls home to you. Many, many prayers and blessing continue to be sent to you.
ReplyDeleteTruth is, I cried reading this. I wondered about it all when Samantha wrote. How perfect is God's timing! Praying you will continue to have patience to wait as God works it all out for you.
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